Miscellaneous Funnies

--There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
--Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
--Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
--Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Dave's Mail

--Indecision is the key to flexibility.
--There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
--The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
--Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
--I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
--If you think that there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
--Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
--You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
--You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
--Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
--What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
  45 lbs.
--What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
  45 minutes
--What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
Sexual harassment.
--What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
  $3.99 a minute.
--How can you tell if your wife is dead?
  The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
--How can you tell if your husband is dead?
  The sex is the same but you get the remote.

Did you hear about the four Jewish women who went out to dinner? When the meal was finished, the waiter came to the table and asked, "Was anything right?"

Answering Machine Messages:

• Greetings, you have reached the Sixth Sense Detective Agency. We know who you are and what you want, so at the sound of the tone, please hang up.
• Hello. I'm home right now but cannot find the phone. Please leave a message and I will call you back as soon as I find it.
• Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.
• You have reached the number you have dialled. Please leave a message after the beep.

Bumper Stickers:

• When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
• He's not dead, He's electroencephalographically challenged.
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
• Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
• Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
• Diplomacy is saying "nice doggy" until you find a rock.
• On the other hand, you have different fingers.
• Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.